I have been absent from blogging for almost 4 years now.
I have gone through some MAJOR life changes and I feel now is the time to jump back in, get back to my roots and process my feelings on "paper".
I will update sporadically for now with what happened, but my journey of blogging will become more regular starting in October.
A quick FYI: We have a daughter now. She is 2, almost 2 1/2 and amazing. Our son is in 1st grade. We bought a house and moved out of my mom's. Jason's brother moved in with us. We got a dog. And I went back to work at the end of August after being home since January 29, 2015. The kids and I go to church and I have an amazing small group that I absolutely love. I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I am a work in progress, but I am a Daughter of the King and have no doubt I will get through this!
Like I said, there have been a lot of changes and I will be using this format to process all my feelings, as I work through them. I also want to use this to help other moms who have gone through something similar. I hope my experience can help you navigate this tremendous life event.
So, if you're reading now and have read before, welcome back. If you're new- hello!
I will be real, raw and I won't hold back-that I guarantee.
Thanks for reading and joining my journey.
Love Always,
Megan
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Sunday, January 31, 2016
One year later...
I didn't think I would...but as everyone who knows me, writing makes me feel better- I can think out my emotions and thoughts and toss them out the window, rethink them or let everyone else in on them.
Today, one year ago, I delivered the body of my 3rd son, Joshua. He had died in utero approximately 3 days before. We learned of his death (that they approximated was 24-36 hours before) at our 35 week check up on January 29, 2015. We checked in the hospital on January 30th to begin sedation and dialation for my body to respond to over the next 24 hours. Then approximately 10am on January 31st, the last medical procedure was done to prepare my body for labor. Shortly after that, they added Pitocin to my IV at about 12pm. Based on Jaxon's delivery, we figured we were in for the long haul. I was medicated during the procedures the day before because I wanted to be in a fog. Obviously my heart was broken and I wanted no part of what I was now forced to endure. However, the pain medicine that they had been giving me is one that doesn't work after a time and that became true for me.
When I checked in the hospital on 1/30, we agreed that Jason would stay home with Jaxon, and I had several visitors- my sister and brother-in-law, Ryan and Victoria, brother-in-law Matt, close family friend Jennifer, one of my best friends Stacy and close family friends Penny and Sandy. Also, my husband's cousin, Dave stopped by.
My mom had been at the hospital all night with me and Jason was home with Jaxon. I suggested my mom head home too and they both stay there and get some rest because we thought it would be a long day/night. My grandparents were with me, my mother and father-in-law- Carol and Chris were with me and one of my closest family friends, Penny.
I was given once last dose of the medicine with the Pitocin and we quickly realized that it's effects had worn off. Once the Pitocin kicked in, the contractions came on fast and furious. My grandfather, mother-in-law and Penny took turns helping apply pressure to my lower back as we learned that I was in back labor. After approximately 3 hours of intense labor it appeared that tings were progressing much faster than anyone anticipated. Nothing like with Jaxon! My grandma called my mom to update her and Penny left the hospital to go relieve them of Jaxon duty.
They nurse called for an epidural to try to relieve some of my pain in the meantime. During that time- my doctor checked me, realized I was fully dialated and broke my water to relieve some pressure. At that time, Joshua shot down the birth canal so quickly that noone realize how fast the next moments would transpire. Within 5 minutes my bed was broken apart and had been re-formed into the delivery table, the room was filled with doctors quickly dressing in scrubs and I was having a panic attack realizing that I was going to give birth without pain medicatoin and my husband and mother were going to miss it.
Thank God for my mother-in-law and grandparents! Carol was amazing, she kept me calm and focused and helped me breath, my grandparents stood right by my side and held my hand and talked me through it. In 4 pushes, Joshua's head was out and they saw that they would have to cut through the umbilical cord for him to actually fully deliver. And it was tight :(. I had to STOP pushing and allow them to cut. Women talk about the ring of fire during delivery....HOLY SHIT!!! Try holding your breath while the medical team enables you to continue pushing through the ring of fire!! I held my breath and tried not to move for, what felt like an eternity, finally once she cut the cord loose- he flew out and she caught him. My son was here. Well, my son's body was here. He was up in Heaven with his oldest brother, Mason, watching down on us.
Thanks to "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep", a photograpther arrived a short time later and spent quite some time with us taking pictures of Joshua, of us holding him and group shots of the family and friends. That photo album and those pictures are my CHERISHED memories of my boy.
I am sure I will tell more of my story later...
xoxo-Megan
Today, one year ago, I delivered the body of my 3rd son, Joshua. He had died in utero approximately 3 days before. We learned of his death (that they approximated was 24-36 hours before) at our 35 week check up on January 29, 2015. We checked in the hospital on January 30th to begin sedation and dialation for my body to respond to over the next 24 hours. Then approximately 10am on January 31st, the last medical procedure was done to prepare my body for labor. Shortly after that, they added Pitocin to my IV at about 12pm. Based on Jaxon's delivery, we figured we were in for the long haul. I was medicated during the procedures the day before because I wanted to be in a fog. Obviously my heart was broken and I wanted no part of what I was now forced to endure. However, the pain medicine that they had been giving me is one that doesn't work after a time and that became true for me.
When I checked in the hospital on 1/30, we agreed that Jason would stay home with Jaxon, and I had several visitors- my sister and brother-in-law, Ryan and Victoria, brother-in-law Matt, close family friend Jennifer, one of my best friends Stacy and close family friends Penny and Sandy. Also, my husband's cousin, Dave stopped by.
My mom had been at the hospital all night with me and Jason was home with Jaxon. I suggested my mom head home too and they both stay there and get some rest because we thought it would be a long day/night. My grandparents were with me, my mother and father-in-law- Carol and Chris were with me and one of my closest family friends, Penny.
I was given once last dose of the medicine with the Pitocin and we quickly realized that it's effects had worn off. Once the Pitocin kicked in, the contractions came on fast and furious. My grandfather, mother-in-law and Penny took turns helping apply pressure to my lower back as we learned that I was in back labor. After approximately 3 hours of intense labor it appeared that tings were progressing much faster than anyone anticipated. Nothing like with Jaxon! My grandma called my mom to update her and Penny left the hospital to go relieve them of Jaxon duty.
They nurse called for an epidural to try to relieve some of my pain in the meantime. During that time- my doctor checked me, realized I was fully dialated and broke my water to relieve some pressure. At that time, Joshua shot down the birth canal so quickly that noone realize how fast the next moments would transpire. Within 5 minutes my bed was broken apart and had been re-formed into the delivery table, the room was filled with doctors quickly dressing in scrubs and I was having a panic attack realizing that I was going to give birth without pain medicatoin and my husband and mother were going to miss it.
Thank God for my mother-in-law and grandparents! Carol was amazing, she kept me calm and focused and helped me breath, my grandparents stood right by my side and held my hand and talked me through it. In 4 pushes, Joshua's head was out and they saw that they would have to cut through the umbilical cord for him to actually fully deliver. And it was tight :(. I had to STOP pushing and allow them to cut. Women talk about the ring of fire during delivery....HOLY SHIT!!! Try holding your breath while the medical team enables you to continue pushing through the ring of fire!! I held my breath and tried not to move for, what felt like an eternity, finally once she cut the cord loose- he flew out and she caught him. My son was here. Well, my son's body was here. He was up in Heaven with his oldest brother, Mason, watching down on us.
Thanks to "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep", a photograpther arrived a short time later and spent quite some time with us taking pictures of Joshua, of us holding him and group shots of the family and friends. That photo album and those pictures are my CHERISHED memories of my boy.
I am sure I will tell more of my story later...
xoxo-Megan
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Progress on several fronts!
So here we are, January 23rd. I clearly have already fallen down on my 'once per week' check in, but life is a little insane right now.
My sister moved back to Vacaville after living in the Dublin/Tracy area for the last 3 years. Since we moved in we have been taking full advantage of the opportunity to clean out and prepare my grandparents house for sale. Let me tell you- THAT is a task. But we are slowly plugging away at it!
We sold their huge plasma tv today and upgraded them to a newer technology (read, better on energy) tv. They will be doing some rearranging and some upgrading of paint, flooring and kitchen appliances- our goal is March 15th on the market! Our house hasn't seen too much progress because we have been focusing on the grandparents. But our deadline is a bit further, so we're good.
We had our anatomy scan and, unfortunately, they did see a few things that they want to keep an eye on. Normally, they wouldn't even think twice, but due to my history and the fact that I am 'high risk' during this pregnancy, they are watching it. But, on a side note, she is totally healthy and the few things they saw won't affect her, just have to watch; one is a placental cyst near the umbilical cord. The only reason this is a concern is because it can restrict her growth toward the end or impede the cord and cause problems. Neither of which they foresee with her, but they are going to watch closely in case action is needed.
Jason's work schedule changed again. We just got used to it and now we have a whole new one. I personally think this new one sucks, he will have one weekend per month off. He's in sales, we don't want him off on weekends! Especially since I'm a SAHM (and WAHM)- our weekends are whatever days he's off. But oh well. This is what it is. We will just accept it and take advantage of a weekend get-away on occasion.
It Works is blowing up again and I am so thankful! I have some new Distributors who have joined and I have some new customers. So very excited! I LOVE this business, believe in it 100% and know this is the best adventure my family can take. The friendships that I have made have been AMAZING!! I will talk more about It Works later though! I will update later.
Next weekend will be hell for me...so probably not til February. Next weekend, on the 29th is one year since I learned Joshua had died. I was admitted to the hospital for dilation on the 30th and induced and delivered Joshua on the 31st. I know I am going to be a mess and I know I won't be able to talk about it before, but I will want to talk about it after. Talking helps me.
xoxo - Megan
My sister moved back to Vacaville after living in the Dublin/Tracy area for the last 3 years. Since we moved in we have been taking full advantage of the opportunity to clean out and prepare my grandparents house for sale. Let me tell you- THAT is a task. But we are slowly plugging away at it!
We sold their huge plasma tv today and upgraded them to a newer technology (read, better on energy) tv. They will be doing some rearranging and some upgrading of paint, flooring and kitchen appliances- our goal is March 15th on the market! Our house hasn't seen too much progress because we have been focusing on the grandparents. But our deadline is a bit further, so we're good.
We had our anatomy scan and, unfortunately, they did see a few things that they want to keep an eye on. Normally, they wouldn't even think twice, but due to my history and the fact that I am 'high risk' during this pregnancy, they are watching it. But, on a side note, she is totally healthy and the few things they saw won't affect her, just have to watch; one is a placental cyst near the umbilical cord. The only reason this is a concern is because it can restrict her growth toward the end or impede the cord and cause problems. Neither of which they foresee with her, but they are going to watch closely in case action is needed.
Jason's work schedule changed again. We just got used to it and now we have a whole new one. I personally think this new one sucks, he will have one weekend per month off. He's in sales, we don't want him off on weekends! Especially since I'm a SAHM (and WAHM)- our weekends are whatever days he's off. But oh well. This is what it is. We will just accept it and take advantage of a weekend get-away on occasion.
It Works is blowing up again and I am so thankful! I have some new Distributors who have joined and I have some new customers. So very excited! I LOVE this business, believe in it 100% and know this is the best adventure my family can take. The friendships that I have made have been AMAZING!! I will talk more about It Works later though! I will update later.
Next weekend will be hell for me...so probably not til February. Next weekend, on the 29th is one year since I learned Joshua had died. I was admitted to the hospital for dilation on the 30th and induced and delivered Joshua on the 31st. I know I am going to be a mess and I know I won't be able to talk about it before, but I will want to talk about it after. Talking helps me.
xoxo - Megan
Saturday, January 2, 2016
New Year, New Plans
2015 was the worst year of my life. I have accepted it, learned from it and am ready to move on from it. HOWEVER, I know in my heart that 2016 is going to be simply amazing for me and my family and I am more than ready to get it going and cotninue my eternal FAITH that GOOD things are coming!
First things first, clean-up! I am going room by room and cleaning out everything that is not necessary. My closet- things that aren't maternity wear just really have no place now. Being that this is my 4th pregnancy and I hadn't lost the weight from Johsua yet, I am already looking very pregnant and, honestly, I am nearly 5 months along and I will only get bigger, so anything 'pre-prego' is OUT.
Also, I need to clean-up the clutter. Just toss it, store it or sell/donate it. No need for a bunch of stuff that really has no place in my room.
Once I am done there, I will move on to the Office, which will become the nursery. This is a battle zone at the moment. We have 'lovingly' dubbed this room the dumping ground. Our house is small and with a tornado of a toddler and 3 adults living here, there is just a lot of 'stuff''. So, same rules apply. Toss it, store it or donate/sell it. This room will probably take several weeks to complete because of all the stuff and our office set-up doesn't have another home yet.
After our general clean-up ventures, we will move on to remodeling of the kitchen! I will update that task as we get closer and more involved.
Along with all the changes my life has gone through over the past nearly year, one thing I promised myself was to work on ME. That means- pampering on occasion to promote my sanity- because you cannot be a good mom, wife, family member or friend if you don't have sanity in your world. A little "check out" time for the mom does a WORLD of good for everyone around her. Jason has been amazing at supporting me in this (and honestly, he pushed me hard before to do this anyway). I have a nail day once per month where I get my nails done and have a nice long pedicure. I really enjoy these days.
Also, one of the ways I am pampering myself now, is reading and writing. I LOVE to write. I am trying to accomplish my goal of at least one blog post per week. I want one snapshot per week of what is going on with us, so that at the end of 2016- I can look back and remind myself how far I have come. Reading, is another way to pamper myself. I am going to aim to read one book per month because I really only have time at night to read and I am tired, so I can't really expect to be a book nerd. But, I have a shelf full of books calling my name and several loaded to my Kindle that I would love to finish! So, reading is on the agenda!
I have a few other 'resolutions' or projects this year:
* I started a savings jar for each week. You can find them online. Basically, week one, you save $1.00, week two, you save $2.00 and so on, and so on. Basically, by week 52, you are putting away $52.00 and that adds up to over $1,300.00 by the year's end.
* I started this awesome "show me the good" deal. I have a Mason jar that I am going to fill with pieces of paper describing the "good moments" through out our year. So, on December 31, 2016, we can open the jar and reflect. We already have one moment to put in there from January 1- WINNING!
I truly believe positivity breeds positivity. I have been through hell and survived, so NOTHING will stop be me from being positive and having faith!
Cheers- XOXO ~M~
First things first, clean-up! I am going room by room and cleaning out everything that is not necessary. My closet- things that aren't maternity wear just really have no place now. Being that this is my 4th pregnancy and I hadn't lost the weight from Johsua yet, I am already looking very pregnant and, honestly, I am nearly 5 months along and I will only get bigger, so anything 'pre-prego' is OUT.
Also, I need to clean-up the clutter. Just toss it, store it or sell/donate it. No need for a bunch of stuff that really has no place in my room.
Once I am done there, I will move on to the Office, which will become the nursery. This is a battle zone at the moment. We have 'lovingly' dubbed this room the dumping ground. Our house is small and with a tornado of a toddler and 3 adults living here, there is just a lot of 'stuff''. So, same rules apply. Toss it, store it or donate/sell it. This room will probably take several weeks to complete because of all the stuff and our office set-up doesn't have another home yet.
After our general clean-up ventures, we will move on to remodeling of the kitchen! I will update that task as we get closer and more involved.
Along with all the changes my life has gone through over the past nearly year, one thing I promised myself was to work on ME. That means- pampering on occasion to promote my sanity- because you cannot be a good mom, wife, family member or friend if you don't have sanity in your world. A little "check out" time for the mom does a WORLD of good for everyone around her. Jason has been amazing at supporting me in this (and honestly, he pushed me hard before to do this anyway). I have a nail day once per month where I get my nails done and have a nice long pedicure. I really enjoy these days.
Also, one of the ways I am pampering myself now, is reading and writing. I LOVE to write. I am trying to accomplish my goal of at least one blog post per week. I want one snapshot per week of what is going on with us, so that at the end of 2016- I can look back and remind myself how far I have come. Reading, is another way to pamper myself. I am going to aim to read one book per month because I really only have time at night to read and I am tired, so I can't really expect to be a book nerd. But, I have a shelf full of books calling my name and several loaded to my Kindle that I would love to finish! So, reading is on the agenda!
I have a few other 'resolutions' or projects this year:
* I started a savings jar for each week. You can find them online. Basically, week one, you save $1.00, week two, you save $2.00 and so on, and so on. Basically, by week 52, you are putting away $52.00 and that adds up to over $1,300.00 by the year's end.
* I started this awesome "show me the good" deal. I have a Mason jar that I am going to fill with pieces of paper describing the "good moments" through out our year. So, on December 31, 2016, we can open the jar and reflect. We already have one moment to put in there from January 1- WINNING!
I truly believe positivity breeds positivity. I have been through hell and survived, so NOTHING will stop be me from being positive and having faith!
Cheers- XOXO ~M~
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